"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."
— Proverbs 17:23
Add a little humor to your day!
Goat for Dinner "New"
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
Show and Tell "New"
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
Great Christian One-Liners
- Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited... until you try to sit in their pews.
- Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
- It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
- The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and roaches come close.
- When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
- People are funny: they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
- Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
- Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.
- The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion...."
- If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
- Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.
- God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
- To make a long story short, don't tell it.
- If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.
- Some minds are like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
- Peace starts with a smile.
- I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
- A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just "sitting on the premises."
- We were called to be witnesses, not judges.
- Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.
Children in one Sunday School class were asked to write "Life Lessons" that they had learned. Here are some of the responses:
- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
- When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- Never ask your 4-year old brother to hold a tomato.
- You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
- Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
- Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
- The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when Rev. Jones supplied our pulpit.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
A father was at the beach with his children when the four year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.
"But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius — the Pilot!"
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for preaching.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former preacher of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our preacher's house would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving preacher but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some Bible school training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people-might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
"Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools ... hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!"