Earl the Squirrel

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Pastoral Search Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we've followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

• Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
• Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
• Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
• Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
• Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
• David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
• Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
• Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
• Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
• Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
• Deborah: Female.
• Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
• Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
• Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
• Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
• John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
• Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
• Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
• Timothy: Too young.
• Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
• Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

Noah Building The Ark

And the Lord saith unto Noah, "Where is the ark which I commanded thee to build?"

And Noah replied, "Behold, when I journeyed to the Jordan County Planning and Zoning office for a permit, verily they railed against me and said, "Thy property is not zoned for an ark thirty cubits high. Thou wouldst require a 1040 review, environmental impact studies and a public hearing for a variance..."

"And behold, when I toldst them it would be a temporary usage, they asked where I was going with a three-storied ark? I explainest to them about the flood, the waters from the great deep and the flood-gates of the sky.

And behold, they wentest berserk and ranted about water rights and minimum stream flow regulations and flood plain studies. I barely escaped with my life.

"An another thing, oh Lord, my lot is zoned for a single-family dwelling, and Thou has planned ark condos for even my three sons and their wives.

That wouldst be a multifamily development.

"That reminded me, oh Lord, last week at the homeowners' meeting, I mentioned the animals. They reminded me of the covenants. Feeling a little defensive, I gave them your requisition list... lions, elephants, rhinos, alligators, chickens, monkeys, two by two, and fowls of the air, seven by seven. Behold, Lord, they completely lost their sense of humor and sought to smite me. But I will work on it. Couldst Thou please assign a bodyguard?"

And the Lord saith, "Noah, faithful servant, doest thy best...I'll take care of you. But I need the ark completed in two fortnights. Do not faileth!" Noah answered and said, "It will be so." But it was not so. And the Lord saith, "Noah, where is the ark?"

And Noah saith, "Lord, behold, the building department hath been giving me fits. Thou didst specify gopherwood beams on one cubit centers on the second level. Code requires that gopherwood beams be placed on half cubit centers on that level to give adequate bearing strength for the elephants, hippos and rhinos. When I left, they were calling Planning and Zoning, asking about zoning for a zoo or circus. Lord, I thinketh that we are in trouble with the animals.

"And Lord, The plan checker wenteth into a fit and gnashed his teeth when he saw that the plans called for only one door on the whole building. He declareth that a structure of this size requireth two exits on each level."

And the Lord saith, "Noah, my schedule called for the ark to be completed before Christmas. Worketh thou very hard!"

And Noah answered, "Christmas? What's Christmas?" "In by Christmastime! It's just an expression used in the building trade. It doesn't mean a thing."

And Noah answered, "Verily, it shall be done." But behold, it was not done. And the Lord saith, "Noah, the ark is not ready." And Noah answered, "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill and last Monday was a holiday. And the fowls of the air Thou ordered by sevens are now sold only in half-dozen lots."

Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying "Oh Lord, I am undone." And the Lord replieth with compassion, "Take heart, Noah. Now thou understandeth why I have called for a flood to descend upon the earth."

Barney

Here's the latest on Barney! Start with the given:

1. CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2. Change all the U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3. Extract all the Roman Numerals

C V
V L
D I V

4. Convert these to Arabic values.

100 5
5 50
500 1 5

5. Add them up. Total = 666

There you have it! Proof that Barney is the Antichrist. Please pass this on to every prophecy student you know. It is imperative that the truth gets out before it is too late! (Believe it or not, this is about how ridiculous it gets.)

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