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A Ministry dedicated to preserving the truth and accuracy of the infallible Word of God.
Quotes and Stories:        

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  Brand New Bible for the "New Age"  

"In the beginning there was an infinite expanse composed of nothing. And it came to pass accidentally and then began to form chemical elements. Then, accidentally, it decided to compress itself into a ping-pong ball. Having done thusly, it verily chose to collapse in on itself to form a pinhead of compact atoms weighing more than 900,000,000,000,000 tons. And then, behold! It decided to blow up, so it did.

"Thereupon it accidentally blew out, evenly, in all directions for 10,000,000 light years and formed a perfect set of several million galaxies, nebulae, and star clusters. All operating with enough precision to set your clock by. Fortunately, one set accidentally formed a solar system that had all of the necessary elements for producing the kind of life now writing this 'Bible.'

"And it came to pass, after several billion years (give or take several hundred million), the sun decided to accidentally throw out Uranus, Pluto, Mars, Venus, Jupiter, etc., in different sizes at different distances with different atmospheres. In thus doing, it also accidentally threw out an Earth, which (accidentally) formed water and plants out of molten lava. After a few billion years (give or take several hundred million, either way), an accidental combination of elements got together and accidentally formed a genetic code chain that could dictate what kind of life would be produced. Whereupon this accidentally produced a one-celled animal which couldn't produce a two-celled animal (or a three, or four, or five, or six celled, etc., animal).

"And thus it came to pass that over 20,000 species of animals were produced accidentally, to no purpose, and man was one of them. And evolution took the planaria that it had made from a paramecium, and created a jellyfish and brought it to a nonsexed, neuter, hermaphrodite and called it ~woman.~ (Or protozoa, coelenterata, platyhelminthes, or ctenophora: evolution only knows!) And evolution said, 'It is not good for the monkey to be alone. I will make a mate for him.' So it accidentally made 'Lucey' for 'Magic,' and he called her 'Baby' because she was taken out of a monkey.

"And after 6,000 years of killing, cannibalism, torture, murder, embezzlement, fraud, famine, Iying, swearing, cheating, stealing, and killing the monkey (or femur, or tarsier, or whatever) accidentally decided he had 'rights' that came from the spermatophytes, thallophytes, bryophytes, and ptendophytes, so he gave himself the right to cheat, abort, swear, lie, misrepresent, steal, pervert, extort, defraud, torture, and kill and called these rights, 'Civil Rights.'

"Today, at the very pinnacle of creation, the monkey (or 'great ape,' or 'hominoid,' or whatever) is 'the measure of all things.' He verily 'hash arrived.' He now knows why he came into being, accidentally; it was to please himself. At last he hath a goal: to make himself comfortable. In the next seven years, this will be done by perversion, extortion, rape, drug abuse, Iying, swearing, embezzlement, cheating, cannibalism, terrorism, perversion and killing, evolution willing!

"Even so, may the fittest survive! Amen!"

(The scholars who translated this new Bible version were: Albert Einstein, Max Plank, Heisenberg, Charles Darwin, Karl Marx, Dr. Libby, Harold Leakey, Medawar, Bergson, Lysenko, Mach, Max Born, and Stephen Hawking. Publishers: The National Education Association and the National Geographic Association, New York, 800 B.C.)

Author Unknown



"Food For Thought"

Many parents are hard pressed to explain to their youth why some music, movies, books, and magazines are not acceptable material for them to bring into the home or to listen to or see.

One parent came up with an original idea that is hard to refute.

The father listened to all the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a particular PG-13 movie. It had their favorite actors. Everyone else was seeing it. Even church members said it was great. It was only rated PG-13 because of the suggestion of sex, they never really showed it. The language was pretty good, the Lord's name was only used in vain three times in the whole movie. The teens did admit there was a scene where a building and a bunch of people were blown up, but the violence was just the normal stuff. It wasn't too bad. And, even if there were a few minor things, the special effects were fabulous and the plot was action packed.

However, even with all the justifications the teens made for the 13' rating, the father still wouldn't give in. He didn't even give his children a satisfactory explanation for saying, "No." He just said, "No!"

A little later on that evening the father asked his teens if they would like some brownies he had baked. He explained that he'd taken the family's favorite recipe and added a little something new. The children asked what it was. The father calmly replied that he had added dog poo. However, he quickly assured them, it was only a little bit. All other ingredients were gourmet quality and he had taken great care to bake the brownies at the precise temperature for the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be superb. Even with their father's promise that the brownies were of almost perfect quality, the teens would not take any.

The father acted surprised. After all, it was only one small part that was causing them to be so stubborn. He was certain they would hardly notice it. Still the teens held firm and would not try the brownies. The father then told his children how the movie they wanted to see was just like the brownies. Our minds deceive us into believing that just a little bit of evil won't matter. But, the truth is even a little bit of poop makes the difference between a great treat and something disgusting and totally unacceptable. The father went on to explain that even though the movie industry would have us believe that most of today's movies are acceptable fare for adults and youth, they are not.

Now, when this father's children want to see something that is of questionable material, the father merely asks them if they would like some of his special dog poo brownies. That closes the subject.

Author Unknown



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© 1999 The Old Time Gospel Ministry
"When to seek God has become life and to glorify God has become self, then you have truly found God."